What is my motivation? I ask myself this question over and over again during the central portion of my meditative run in Red Feather Lakes, Colorado. I've come a long way from Florida to attend the Running with the Mind of Meditation retreat at Shambhala Mountain Center, and my assignment today is a contemplative meditation. I'm to run 30 minutes, a run of three 10 minute segments. Segment one is a warm up. I can talk, socialize, think of chocolate, whatever I want. Segment two is where I am supposed to contemplate the question "what is my motivation?". The final segment is cool down time.
The goal of the question is not necessarily to find the answer. Repeating the question many times in my head as I huff and puff up a hill at 8000 feet of elevation is a method to get me focused, a training of the brain as well as body.
And what are these things called "hills"? I don't see them in Florida. That's a question for another blog post. And there goes my mind, rambling down a path it wasn't scheduled to travel.
Bringing the mind back to the question, a few answers pop to the forefront. Nature! My motivation for running is to be in Nature, witnessing the smells of evergreens, viewing the pale bark of the birch trees, anticipating the cool mountain breeze that I can hear rolling down the valley. Yes, being at one with Nature is my motivation.
But is that all? It can't be. At home in Florida, where there are no mountains or the breezes that come with the monoliths, I run almost everyday, outdoors, in the dark, on an urban sidewalk. Occasionally, I see a Green Heron or a few White Ibis passing overhead as the sun ascends, but my witness of Nature is pretty scarce on my regular route.
So, my motivation to run must be something else. I'm still gasping for air as I climb this hill. Darn, this is not a hill! It feels like a mountain. My heart is racing, and I can feel the pounding of my pulse in the veins crisscrossing my skull. I'm going to be in such great shape when I return to Florida. There it is! My motivation is to get and stay healthy. Running works my heart, expands my lungs, trains my tendons and ligaments. It helps me keep my weight down, which in turn fends off sleep apnea, diabetes, and joint pain. I am motivated to run to maintain my body.
Ouch, tripped on a rock. My ankle slides a little too far to the left, and I run a few more steps to assess the impact. I can run through this. Should I run through this? I want to continue my course and pace, and whether I should or shouldnt doesn't matter right now. But that's not a healthy choice. It is potentially damaging to run through an injury. So, is my motivation really about maintaining health? Not always, I surmise.
This contemplation is hard! I find an answer and then I wheedle myself away from it. I'm no closer to finding the answer than I was at the beginning of this run. I have to hurry up and find my answer before Marty, one of the Running facilitators, blows the whistle that can be heard across Shambhala land. It's over 600 acres of mountain and forest retreat, but Marty's whistle can pierce through thick tree stands and round bends in the valley. It's loud.
I rein my meandering mind and steer it back to the question. Will this hill never end? I look up from my concentrated stare at the dirt and see her. She's about 50 feet ahead of me. She's always ahead of me! On every run since I arrived here, she's in front of me. I will catch her this time. I speed up, attempting to slightly exceed her cadence. Her legs are short like mine so I'm sure to catch up soon.
Whoa! A hazy veil descends over my field of vision, sounds have become muffled, and all the blood that's supposed to be in my body has jumped into my skull cavity. My heart pounds and I instantly back off my pursuit. This whole oxygen-deficit thing is real! I didn't come to Colorado to sample the health care system, so my attempt to catch up to the fast woman in front of me is over. She, unlike me, continues to dance up the hill like a nimble mountain goat. I plod on, slower, like a lazy pack mule until I reach the Great Stupa. I circumambulate the Stupa while the others behind me catch up.
A bit deflated after my failed attempt to overtake my fellow runner, I trot around the Stupa, listening to the gray gravel crackle beneath me. Back to the question: what is my motivation? The answer...a high pitched arrow of sound speeds through the air. I see a mule deer perk her ears.
Contemplation time is over. The whistle has been blown and now it's time to run the final 10 minutes. It's cool down time as we run from the Great Stupa back to the Meditation Hall, a fun downhill jaunt. I truly enjoy this portion.
I watch the other faster runners as they descend the hill, some running so quickly that they hold their arms out to the sides in an attempt brake themselves. It's a steep downhill, and I know my short legs will be angry at me later for descending so quickly. But it's fun! I fly downward, my arms agape. I'm certain I look like a flying squirrel as I pass into the birch tree stand spanning the tiny river that is oozing with beavers.
No time to look for beavers. My flight continues, and I'm paying close attention to every divet and dip in the gravelly road before me. It twists and turns, and I want to catch up to the fast runners, so I take the inside of the curves.
My head hurts. Where is all of the oxygen? I'm almost there. I can see the other runners mulling around the entrance to the meditation hall. I stride in, glad that I finished the last stretch so well. As I come to a halt, I notice tiny spasms firing off in my quadriceps. They're like miniature fireworks shooting all over my thighs. They're not painful. They feel rather good.
I walk around in large circles, listening to the crunching gravel beneath my worn trail running sneakers. My circles slow down as my heart rate comes back to normal. Other runners are coming in, their faces full of the joy I just experienced from my downhill escapade.
Running is wonderful. It brings joy, it brings pain, it let's me focus on my mind, my body, or the trivialities of daily life. I'm not sure I will ever find the answer to "what is my motivation", but for today's run it was to enjoy the path of self-discovery.
Tomorrow it will be different, I'm certain.
